The Hidden Role of the Nervous System in Everyday Interactions
Yoda and Skywalker had to learn to understand and shape The Force. So too must anyone with deep connections to other people. In this case, The Force is nervous system states.
Has it ever occurred to you that your nervous system might have a major impact on your relationships? For many people, the answer is “no” and the reason why isn’t surprising— even though the nervous system is a “force” that is always operating in big ways in the background, it does so in a hard-to-detect way. Just like "The Force" in Star Wars, it is an unseen, yet powerful energy that influences our actions, reactions, and the dynamics of our relationships.
Moving from Yoda and Skywalker, to a scenario that plays out here on Earth a lot: You know those days when everything seems to go wrong at work, and you come home carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders? Let's say we have a husband in exactly that situation. His day has been a marathon of stressful meetings, tight deadlines, and a flood of emails. And then he hits stop and go traffic on the way home.
By the time he steps through the front door, his nervous system is overwhelmed. This heightened state, often referred to as the 'sympathetic' or 'fight or flight' state, can make him feel irritable, anxious, and high strung. The evening's tasks - helping with kids' homework, cleaning up, and preparing for the next day - only add to his burden.
Enter the wife, who walks into this situation and notices something intense is happening. She interprets this intensity as an indication she’s done something wrong and starts to feel strong emotions herself.
Why would she do that, you ask? Well, it could be a deeply ingrained pattern from her past. Perhaps, growing up, she was frequently blamed when those around her were upset. Fast forward to the present and whenever she senses irritation or discontent in others, her default programming prompts her to assume responsibility for it. And voila! Without a word being spoken about what's really going on, things start going downhill. Each partner retreats into their respective protective modes, silently longing for understanding from the other, while the true issue - a simple miscommunication - goes unaddressed.
Sounds familiar? If it does, you're not alone. This pattern of misunderstanding and silent pain is something that many couples fall into. It's a dance that can go on for years, even decades, without either partner realizing the steps they're following.
The real problem here isn't the relationship itself, but the lack of awareness about how their own emotional states, governed by their nervous systems, affect their interactions.
Breaking free from these long-standing patterns isn't always easy, but the first step is self-awareness. It's about understanding our own nervous systems, recognizing our own energetic “states”, and understanding how it shapes our perceptions of the world.
Take the wife from our scenario. If she realizes that her default assumption of blame actually stems from her childhood and not from her marriage, she can start to break free from that pattern. She can pause, reassess her feelings, and determine if she really has done anything wrong. With this awareness, she can approach her husband from a place of empathy and curiosity, rather than defensiveness. This shift from a protective to a connecting energy can work wonders in transforming the dynamics of their interaction.
While this may seem like a lot to tackle, it can be achieved. In fact, seeking help from a professional, such as a therapist or a coach, can be a great way to navigate this journey of self-discovery. They can guide you in understanding your patterns and teaching you how to shift from a state of reactivity to a state of connection. The move from protecting against one another to connecting with each other may be the most significant move couples can make because it introduces safety into the relationship, which is a requirement for all substantial growth.
Returning to our example, if the wife can pause and recognize the pattern she's repeating from her childhood, she can then choose a different response. She can approach her husband with empathy and understanding, asking, "You seem like you're amped up, is everything okay?" This small act of reaching out can shift the energy from one of conflict to one of connection. She becomes a source of co-regulation for her husband, helping him to unwind and de-stress, instead of unknowingly escalating the situation.
This isn't to say that every interaction needs to be analyzed or that every disagreement is a result of misinterpreting nervous system states. However, many couples have countless fights or lost chances to connect because they’re unaware of what’s happening. Becoming aware of your nervous system and not going into an auto-pilot reaction is hugely helpful at keeping relationships in a calm, connected place.
This awareness doesn’t just improve significant relationships like marriages. This type of awareness is highly beneficial in the professional realm managing connections with bosses, employees, and others in your network. Even though he’s far from being a therapist, billionaire Warren Buffett understands the power of emotional regulation well. He stated, “You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you. True power is sitting back and observing things with magic. True power is restraint… Breath and allow things to pass.” We agree with Mr. Buffett! While there are many nuggets of wisdom in his statement, one key is to recognize that what’s being “said” to you can take the form of words or nervous system energy exchanges (“The Force”). However, things get communicated, it’s recognizing the meaning and responding from a mindful, calm place that sets us up to live well.
So, the next time you find yourself in a tense situation, take a moment to pause. Try to tune into what's going on inside of you. What story is your nervous system telling you? How is it shaping your perception of the situation? By asking these questions, you can begin to shift your energy, transform your interactions, and create deeper, more meaningful connections.
