Is “venting” helpful to the nervous system?

How many of us find ourselves venting after a long day at the office, a frustrating experience in a relationship, or challenges with the kids?

Many of us carry the belief that venting will help us feel better.  We look to our friends and partners to listen to us vent with a belief that it is a safe pathway for releasing our disappointments, frustrations, and pain. 

What most of us don’t recognize is that the pattern of venting has an equal possibility of making things worse instead of better.

REHEARSAL OR RESOLUTION

The outcome of venting can prove to be a rehearsal of upset feelings rather than a pathway for their resolution.

If I come to you and start ‘venting,’ I want to notice what is happening in my body-mind experience.  What state is my nervous system as I vent?

NERVOUS SYSTEM BASICS

We want to remember that the nervous system is a mind-body surveillance system always working behind the scenes, reading cues inside of us, in our environment, and in the spaces between us and other people; this is called neuroception.  The basic function of the nervous system is to keep us safe, and when possible, connected to ourselves and others.

VENTING AND THE NERVOUS SYSTEM

When it comes to venting, we want to be aware that the nervous system state linked to the upsetting situation we’re describing will often have everything to do with whether a ‘venting’ pattern is helpful or harmful to us. 

We want to notice, is the internal state linked to event one that is keeping my nervous system in a position of knowing I am safe and upset, or is it beginning to ‘understand’ that I am upset and in need of protection?

If my nervous system reads the situation as one that requires protection, I am less likely to be open to support from the people around me, and more likely to detect their presence- even when they are trying to be helpful to me as I vent- as an additional threat.

AN AUDIENCE TO ACTIVATION OR A REACH FOR CO-REGULATION

When we are in a nervous system state of protection, we are less likely to respond to the support of those around us.  We might find ourselves more interested in having a partner or friend act as an audience to our activation or even join us in our upset. 

We might find ourselves oddly attached to maintaining the upset emotions of the situation.  This might be our nervous system hanging on to the ‘understanding’ that we need to remain in activated states for our own protection.  When we’re in these states, our friends or loved ones efforts to bring calming or co-regulating energies into the conversation might be mistaken as them not understanding the dire nature of our situation.  In these instances, our nervous systems might require our supporters to either be ‘for me or against me.’ 

IF NOT VENTING, THEN WHAT?

When some semblance of this pattern is present, we’ll typically notice that the intention of ‘venting’ to feel better is not working! 

Instead of helping, venting leads us into maintaining activated states.  It might also invite our loved one’s system into dysregulation. 

PATTERNS NOT PERSONHOOD 

If this resonates with you, no worries; you’re not alone.  Most of us find ourselves stuck in unhelpful patterns or programs every now and then.  It does not define who we are, but rather gives us an opportunity to notice how a pattern or program may not be serving us as well as we previously imagined.

Do the best you can until you know better.  Then when you know better, do better.”  (Maya Angelou) 

We all find ourselves stuck due to outdated programming at times.        

Afterall, how many of us learned that ‘talking it out’ or ‘sharing our feelings’ is vital to our well-being?  While there is truth in the significance of being able to connect and share meaningful experiences with our loved ones, it turns out, HOW we share matters.

TRY THIS 

Next time you find yourself feeling distressed and wanting to seek support from a loved one while you vent, explore what happens if you start by showing up for yourself and doing some reflection work first.

You might start by taking several deep breaths to help your nervous system know that you are physically safe; there is no current threat to your life.  When we know that we are safe and upset, rather than upset and in danger, it makes all the difference in being able to gain awareness of the needs that go along with the situation we’re in… If we’re fighting or running from a tiger (at the level of our nervous system) when we need to be sharing our feelings and advocating for ourselves with a boss who is not understanding the support we’re needing to complete a specific project, we’re going to get stuck. 

Now, try pulling out a notebook and consider the following:

*This exercise is inspired by Terry Real’s ‘The story I tell myself.’

1.       What was the event?  Describe this as though you’re watching video footage from the event.

2.       Notice what story you are telling yourself about the event.

3.       Notice what state your nervous system is in, and what feelings connect to the story?  *Notice, are these states and feelings helping you resolve the situation or creating additional complexity? 

4.       Consider, what could help you access safety and help you resolve the situation?

After you complete this exercise, you might also notice:

Is this a familiar story?

Perhaps, a core thought, feeling, belief, behavior pattern formed in an earlier time in life was activated or drawn to the surface of your experience through the recent event.  Perhaps your story and feelings are tied more to the old world than the current event.

You might consider the intention of the pattern.  What is it trying to do to help you?  Is it there to protect or support you in some way?

You might consider, is the pattern working the way it thinks it is?  Is it protecting or helping you in your current experience?  If so, is it working all the way, or also creating secondary problems?

If you could choose a different response, how would you like to have thought, felt, believed, and behaved after the event?

If you could access your preferred pattern, how would you be feeling now?

What help is helpful?

Once you have taken the time to reflect on the different layers of your experience, you are better positioned to know what kind of help will be helpful.

If you recognize the need for support, bring your less activated self to the relationship and help your loved one know what you need.  Our loved ones so often want to be helpful, but don’t always know what would feel best for us.  They can’t read our minds, so we need to help them know.

Are we looking for:

·       The opportunity to share our experience… for the sake of being known, not venting.

·       A hug

·       A relatable, me too experience… hoping maybe our friend has gone through something similar.

·       An opportunity to share what we’re discovering about our programs and perhaps how they have impacted our relationships.

·       Support as we work to build a new program

·       Access to a shared ventral experience to help us finish shaking loose the protective energies that left us feeling yucky.

Whatever your need, remember that our loved ones sometimes have these resources to give, and other times are not in a place to do so.  Perhaps our loved one can respond tomorrow, but not today.  Perhaps a different friend can become our supporter that day.

Wishing you new pathways to resolving upset feelings!